Judging working mums

I have decided I want to weigh in on this topic because I am genuinely surprised there are views out there that reflects what Susan Patton aka "Princeton Mom" has to say:

"I believe the bigger issue is parents abdicating their responsibility to care for their own children. If Dad is the breadwinner, Mom needs to care for the babies. It is illogical to leave the care of one's children to anyone who doesn't love the child the way a parent does.
Most families with nannies don't really 'need' them. They have them because Mom doesn't want to be the childcare provider - she'd rather go to her fancy office after a manicure, facial and SoulCycle. I think the profound loss for children is when the woman who gave birth to them chooses to be Busy Miss Important instead of Mom."

Notwithstanding that this quote is riddled and laced with judgement, I feel also it is unfair to pile on the mum guilt on your fellow mums when society already struggles to battle inherent mysogynist prejudice and practices.

I am not sure yet how to juggle my finances when I have two non-school aged toddlers that I have to put in full time nursery when I go back to work. Firstly I will clarify that there will be no manicures, facials or gym sessions for me. There will be however motivation and fulfilment from knowing that I am contributing to taxes and my company, that my work is valued and I can still care for my children in my best form in this capacity. Because full time child care is energy draining and because I was raised to not rely on handouts but to work hard to earn my keep. Somewhere along the journey of motherhood, I realised I cannot put on a big smile and make the genuine effort to teach-play my children when I spend 24 hours with them.

I grew up in an environment where it took a village to raise a child. Of course it helped that my parents had seven to eight siblings on each side all of whom married and had kids. That itself made for an instant village. And whilst we haven't employed the services of a nanny we certainly are grateful for all the efforts of the nursery's educators that tend to our child.

She is fed and cleaned and put to nap. Routine things that believe it or not are harder for me to achieve as her biological mother. It honestly takes less effort for anyone else to do that. That extra energy that the adult and child conserves from those battles are then better directed into play learning activities of which my child benefits from having a multicultural and multidimensional environment. I only found out yesterday that my daughter speaks and understands her Spanish educator well. Certainly this exposure to a third language would not be possible had we kept her at home. Not only that, her nursery has begun to hire more male staff other than the cook and I embrace this with open arms because I want her to grow up accepting that men are just as well equipped to care for and teach young children, it isn't solely 'a woman's role'.

My time is then better spent googling printables on my lunch break and sensory activities or conjuring up ideas for what to transform her play corner into next. We just changed her grocery shop corner into a garage over the weekend. We have enjoyed pretending to let her sell us groceries and gauging what reasonable pricing for her felt foods should be. Now it's time to move on to maybe teaching her some traffic rules and the different range of automobiles. Can I do this if I was a SAHM? Maybe. But who knows? I may not want to decorate gingerbreadmen with her or make Hungry caterpillar crafts if I was dead tired from the constant barrage of cleaning, feeding and routine enforcement. There are mothers/ fathers who can do that. I know I am not them and I respect them deeply.

This is after all my way of being my best to my children and husband. You must find yours and once you find it, know that your children will think you are most wonderful and will ALWAYS prefer you way over anyone else that cares for them in whatever capacity.










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Potty training success finally

I went with the advice to only do it when she was ready which happened on the 29 January when she was only 22 months old. She said she wanted to use the toilet and I very excitedly plopped her on it.

Then we went to Lisbon the month after and she successfully told me every single time she wanted to use the toilet for a number two and I thought,"Yes! We are getting somewhere!"

All this while she never really got the fact that wees should also be performed on the toilet. This came after many accidents and debates between us over whether she was ready or not.

Three weeks ago we took this to the nursery. It is now eight months since we began and our haphazard approach was obviously leading to half hearted results. We left it with the professionals to try. At first we received reports of,"your daughter, she is stubborn. Clever but passive aggressive." Apparently if she didn't want to go to the toilet and they tried to coax her she would lay on the floor and play dead so they had no choice short of dragging her. Then two minutes later she'd have an 'accident'. We talked about a plan and decided to just go hard on her and slap on big girl pants. No nappies from now on at nursery we said. First week started off with five accidents and ended with three. Our second week we went from three to wait for it....completely dry on the Friday! I never thought we'd get there but we did. 29th Jan to 11th August for her to 'get it'. How do people train in three days I don't understand. Maybe we have a slow learner, plus we have a lazy parenting style.

Nevertheless! Success! Thank you to all the nursery staff who gave her endless encouragement and even built circle time activities around discussing potty training. Thank you for letting them role play potty training with their dollies. Thank you for all the potty training books. My daughter now thinks she is Princess Polly having finished her training and used up the last star in the sticker book.

Well. Let's see how we take it from here eh?







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Why my husband will make a happier mother than me

I have been thinking about this issue for a long while. It all began two years ago when I was off for a year on maternity leave and stressed to the max over the health and wellbeing of my little one therefore running myself to the ground not sleeping whilst keeping wholesome home cooked meals on the table regularly, a spotless house and conquering the laundry. All this while I made sure I was doing enough to stimulate my child's development with sensory, swimming and music classes and play dates. Just all standard mother stuff really. I don't see any other mum's that don't do the same whilst keeping themselves and their family together.

But from my husband's perspective (and this led to many fights in those sleep deprived months) he would do things much differently and that it was my choice to do things 'the hard way' and therefore I can only blame myself if I was stressed and unfulfilled at the end of the year. Mind you, he was the one that got our daughter to start crawling and take her first steps so I don't think it is that he doesn't care about our child's development at all. Rather he weighs the marginal benefit against the physical toll it takes to complete similar tasks that I perform and deem them missable. He would rather prioritise his wellbeing and his happiness after knowing that our child’s important needs are met. I elaborate further.

On sleep:
I would use the time my baby sleeps to try to clean the house and prep meals so that we can still have our regular pre-baby mealtimes and nice clean flat. I would also not let our child cry it out so would always go to her side when she wailed but if we agreed it was his turn, he would turn on his side and let her cry till I got up to tend to her instead. During afternoon naps, he would take a nap too whilst she slept. I think I’d like to try that with my next child. If he came home to a dirty flat and I requested takeout for dinner because I took a nap instead that day, I wonder what he would think, but actually, maybe he doesn’t think anything. Nobody should as long as our family’s wellbeing is put first.

On homecooked meals:
The other day we were at a one year old’s birthday party at the family home where they had two kids under the age of four and everything at the party was home cooked and handmade. The level of effort was unbelievable. I surmised that they achieved that because the husband is able to cook delicious party presentable food. I came home late from work two days later and my husband requested I picked up pizza on the way home because he didn’t even want to eat the leftovers I had planned to make up for our dinner that night. I wanted to fume over it and be upset over the unnecessary expenditure when I could still pull together a quick substantial home cooked meal, and really I thought if Mr.HEA could cook, he could very easily stir fry and reheat the rice and leftovers and dinner would be ready as I stepped through the door as he was already at home. This however, would not be the man I chose to be my husband and my life would probably have to pay with him having another weakness if the lack of cooking skills and his preference for fast food wasn’t his.

On a clean house:
When we moved into our flat and it was brand new two years ago I endeavoured to keep it all as brand new and shiny as I could. I wiped down all the surfaces thinking how sick my child could get if she ate something off the floor that she found. The bathroom was void of mould and scum and I wiped down every night. I cleaned the oven regularly. I mopped the floor weekly. Mr.HEA will just stick to his standard chores, make sure our garbage isn’t smelly and toys aren’t posing threats to our safety around the clearways of our home, he is happy to take a seat and relax himself in the evenings and weekends. As soon as I got pregnant and became increasingly tired as well as more averse to bleach and oven cleaning chemicals, I found myself relaxing the standards a bit. I think the last time I mopped was a month ago. I don’t even iron Mr.HEA’s shirts anymore, I relinquished that role half a year ago. I use the oven every week but I only clean it when I feel like it now. The bathroom has scum, but no mould yet, I clean it once a week now. Mr HEA helps me fold laundry and I don’t refold it so that it sits neatly in our wardrobes. I just shove it in when I put it away and close the doors shut hoping that they don’t fall out the next time I open the doors again. And actually, with the amount of time I spend now playing with my daughter and catching up on sleep or just resting instead of whirling around the flat cleaning, our family has not fallen ill for a very long time despite the temperamental weather.

So if we as a family lived according to his rules and standards instead of mine, we’d not be falling apart or falling sick. We wouldn’t be any less perfect and we wouldn’t be unhappy if I didn’t do any of the above in the ‘right’ way. I think actually we’d be the happiest we’d ever been. Happy Mummy, Happy family. So in the pursuit of happiness, I shall relax and try to be more like my husband in the next year.