Why my husband will make a happier mother than me

I have been thinking about this issue for a long while. It all began two years ago when I was off for a year on maternity leave and stressed to the max over the health and wellbeing of my little one therefore running myself to the ground not sleeping whilst keeping wholesome home cooked meals on the table regularly, a spotless house and conquering the laundry. All this while I made sure I was doing enough to stimulate my child's development with sensory, swimming and music classes and play dates. Just all standard mother stuff really. I don't see any other mum's that don't do the same whilst keeping themselves and their family together.

But from my husband's perspective (and this led to many fights in those sleep deprived months) he would do things much differently and that it was my choice to do things 'the hard way' and therefore I can only blame myself if I was stressed and unfulfilled at the end of the year. Mind you, he was the one that got our daughter to start crawling and take her first steps so I don't think it is that he doesn't care about our child's development at all. Rather he weighs the marginal benefit against the physical toll it takes to complete similar tasks that I perform and deem them missable. He would rather prioritise his wellbeing and his happiness after knowing that our child’s important needs are met. I elaborate further.

On sleep:
I would use the time my baby sleeps to try to clean the house and prep meals so that we can still have our regular pre-baby mealtimes and nice clean flat. I would also not let our child cry it out so would always go to her side when she wailed but if we agreed it was his turn, he would turn on his side and let her cry till I got up to tend to her instead. During afternoon naps, he would take a nap too whilst she slept. I think I’d like to try that with my next child. If he came home to a dirty flat and I requested takeout for dinner because I took a nap instead that day, I wonder what he would think, but actually, maybe he doesn’t think anything. Nobody should as long as our family’s wellbeing is put first.

On homecooked meals:
The other day we were at a one year old’s birthday party at the family home where they had two kids under the age of four and everything at the party was home cooked and handmade. The level of effort was unbelievable. I surmised that they achieved that because the husband is able to cook delicious party presentable food. I came home late from work two days later and my husband requested I picked up pizza on the way home because he didn’t even want to eat the leftovers I had planned to make up for our dinner that night. I wanted to fume over it and be upset over the unnecessary expenditure when I could still pull together a quick substantial home cooked meal, and really I thought if Mr.HEA could cook, he could very easily stir fry and reheat the rice and leftovers and dinner would be ready as I stepped through the door as he was already at home. This however, would not be the man I chose to be my husband and my life would probably have to pay with him having another weakness if the lack of cooking skills and his preference for fast food wasn’t his.

On a clean house:
When we moved into our flat and it was brand new two years ago I endeavoured to keep it all as brand new and shiny as I could. I wiped down all the surfaces thinking how sick my child could get if she ate something off the floor that she found. The bathroom was void of mould and scum and I wiped down every night. I cleaned the oven regularly. I mopped the floor weekly. Mr.HEA will just stick to his standard chores, make sure our garbage isn’t smelly and toys aren’t posing threats to our safety around the clearways of our home, he is happy to take a seat and relax himself in the evenings and weekends. As soon as I got pregnant and became increasingly tired as well as more averse to bleach and oven cleaning chemicals, I found myself relaxing the standards a bit. I think the last time I mopped was a month ago. I don’t even iron Mr.HEA’s shirts anymore, I relinquished that role half a year ago. I use the oven every week but I only clean it when I feel like it now. The bathroom has scum, but no mould yet, I clean it once a week now. Mr HEA helps me fold laundry and I don’t refold it so that it sits neatly in our wardrobes. I just shove it in when I put it away and close the doors shut hoping that they don’t fall out the next time I open the doors again. And actually, with the amount of time I spend now playing with my daughter and catching up on sleep or just resting instead of whirling around the flat cleaning, our family has not fallen ill for a very long time despite the temperamental weather.

So if we as a family lived according to his rules and standards instead of mine, we’d not be falling apart or falling sick. We wouldn’t be any less perfect and we wouldn’t be unhappy if I didn’t do any of the above in the ‘right’ way. I think actually we’d be the happiest we’d ever been. Happy Mummy, Happy family. So in the pursuit of happiness, I shall relax and try to be more like my husband in the next year.

You never stop becoming

When I read this in the nytimes review of the TV series Girls finale it was a poignant reminder of what life really is: “Girls” is a story of becoming. Hannah has become an author, become a teacher, become a parent. But she also — like all of us — will never stop becoming. Nothing stops being a struggle. No one stops growing up. You triumph and screw up, you succeed and backslide. You walk on...

It is true that the essence of life is about the becoming. Reflecting on the words our friends and family specifically remember us saying at each stage though, I know I have become so much more. I remember a cousin once observed how truly in love I was with my boyfriend and then juxtaposed with another time, in my stop in Malaysia before coming over to London where Kak made an observation that she thought I no longer believed in Love. I was two years into my marriage then and heartbroken from the long distance I endured not long after we married. Kak knew me more from my Carrie Bradshaw-esque single girls era where I was fervently searching for real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.

Looking at the snippets of social media I've shared since 2007 (Facebook) and 2010 (Instagram), the past ten years truly documented my becoming a woman. First a fun-seeking willing to try anything young woman in her early twenties. Just out of Uni, had my first taste of travel to Japan and Europe, earning enough in my bank account to purchase my first designer bag (my lust for Louis Vuitton back then was my biggest weakness and worse obsession in my life). I agonised over why he wouldn't say he loved me. Formulated theories over why he tortured me so and then threw it to the wind and went fine dining and fine wine tasting with friends before dancing/singing into the depths of the night.

In 2010, I went to America and got proposed to, after which I began this blog and thus began preparing myself for this rite of passage called Marriage. I thought I knew all about it and the kind of wife I would be, essentially a bigger, badder-arse version of the girlfriend I was, with full financial control over the household. Ah that was not to be so. I was repressed in a career that I loved, but didn't feel respected in, I flitted between the glamour of living a blog-worthy life and the realities of making a marriage work and how it doesn't include my girlfriends or my love of the culinary delights in top restaurants, not with Mr.HEA anyways. When we stripped it down with all our soul-searching, it didn't even include the house we thought would be our family home. It wasn't the city or the life we need to show we lived, it was just the two of us and how important it was that both of us were continuously seeking to work at our marriage and respect each others' dreams and talents.

So I began my thirties in Europe. A three star Michelin restaurant in Paris full of Epicurious delights heralded in a year of travel and rebuilding. We had pressed the reset button on our relationship and we thought we had the foundations of what truly mattered to us sorted. We thought then, perhaps it is time to start a family. I thought that was what was missing. I began the journey to Motherhood with a lot of high standards. Being away from my friends and family in a melting pot of a city, I could decide on any way I wanted to bring up my child without the pressures of society. The people I hung out with just assumed I was adopting the Malaysian Chinese/ Australian way if I signed up to something different.

But it was precisely this approach that wore me out as a mother. So many decisions and so many right answers but not knowing what was right for us became daunting and overwhleming. Coupled with post-natal hormones and sleep deprivation, I crumbled slowly and my relationship with Mr.HEA with it. We fought and cried so much all three of us that I swore we couldn't go on. He accused me of not being prepared for motherhood, of spoiling her and of not wanting to be a mother, but it isn't that. I know. I adore her, my little girl and now that she is more independent, I know I couldn't have given her a better start in her life with what we had. I know we have to live with the actions we've shown her and fighting and shouting perhaps shouldn't have happened, but I stand by not letting her cry it out, I stand by the baby led weaning and the breastfeeding on demand and not succumbing to the formula in her early months. I was there when she needed me. I gave her all I could. Sure I was broken from it all and not a very good wife after it, but I never regretted having her. Mr.HEA was wrong. What I was wrong about, was that I underestimated how much of a mental shift it was to be a mother compared to before. I shouldn't have aimed to be a super wife, because that created a man who couldn't anticipate my needs and then when the going got tough, I was left on my own to fend for it all. He watched from the sidelines, refusing to support my approaches because he thought I should have been more like his mother in my methods. And I hated. every. minute.

Rant aside, we've come out of that now. I think I am a stronger mother, I'd gone back to work and made it work being a working mother. I am lucky enough now to be in a challenging role career wise, but also comfortable to not need to climb further whilst I let my daughter's needs take the spotlight. Sure I lament not being able to check out the latest hotspots in town or having girly dates out, or last minute theatre plans or even just time to myself. I have come to terms with the fact that this is just how it is being a mum.

My life is behind the scenes now. Making life choices and teaching a little human being the skills she needs to navigate this world with. I have become more hippy than ever and less eager to chase after the latest fashion styles or lifestyle trends. Life as a working mum with one child is manageable and good. We even have travelled to six countries with her so far and I have done two trips aside on my own.

Will I become something else next? The next chapter is surely not far ahead. A soccer mum? Will I give up my job for my kids and become a SAHM? I don't know just yet. I just know never to say never. We are embarking upon a new life the end of this year. It should be familiar, but perhaps different challenges will present themselves too. Not perhaps. They definitely will. I am becoming the mother of two. The doors will close on this easy life I know now. And one day they might open again with homework and sport events in tow. But please I implore you to not give up on me and to not judge my weaknesses. I assure you we are well. And Hopeful for a better start to Dumpling #2's introduction to this world.

New year New me

This is something I hardly ever do, but I will try to keep the resolve. It is a wonderful time of my life as a mother as the toddler becomes more understanding and helpful. I find myself looking towards the next stage of life more readily now. This time I will be more prepared, less stressed and hopefully happier with everything to go as they will.

It feels as though the first steps of motherhood really took me by surprise and my child seems to have developed her personality and understanding of the world entirely by herself. I am merely a bystander observing in fraught wonder.

She has figured out descriptive words, the concept of possession, imaginary play all by herself. Each day I spend with her she surprises me with what she's managed to understand. I caught her trying to count backwards before she launched off the mat, her imaginary rocket launchpad. Her dad called her baby cakes yesterday and she said, mummy's the baby cakes. She is a cupcake. She asks Why at everything we want her to do that she refuses to. She sings happy albeit tunelessly. She also said yesterday at dinner that Daddy's the man. Ok fine we were trying to get her to say Superman, but perhaps she's figured it out, she doesn't need a fictional superhero when she's got Daddyman in her life, a real life superhero.

Sometimes I find myself forgetting to view him as that anymore. Focusing only on the things he isn't or hasn't done. It's detrimental to our relationship. So this year, I will change. I will focus on the positive. See the good and funny once more and choosing the view that laughs at life's more challenging moments.

Like this one where she is still in her NYE party dress the day after because she refused to take it off. I can't help it, instead of getting frustrated, I let her twirl about in her pink tulle, knowing she won't be little forever and there will be a time when this is no longer cute. So dance on my little one. I will just be here capturing the moments.





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The real truth about marriage

I am in a pensive mood. It’s been a big week of worries. The sort of worry that you can’t do anything tangible about because it is out of your hands. But you worry all the same and the spouse treads around carefully in your fragile environment hoping fervently not to push you over the edge at any point.
On Monday, my Mum went with my Dad to the hospital for a four hour Angioplasty surgery. Those must have been a horrible four hours of waiting for her. He is fine now, and life appears to have resume to normal for them all. But in those hours of need, my mother was by his side. Despite all that they have gone through in their marriage in the past 30 odd years of raising a family and building a life together. The sweat, blood, fights and tears. It boiled down to them two in the hospital hoping for more moments together.

They never were equals nor shared loads in anything. My Mum worked harder in the family business and was ever more involved in our upbringing and decisions on our education. My Dad made sure there was always a roof over our heads and the bills got paid. This is not a huge contrast perhaps to my current household except S is more involved in our daughter’s life and the decisions that get made about her upbringing. We work more towards equality but there are days where I wonder if sometimes the energy I put into fighting for equality within our marriage could be better expended in acceptance and just doing those chores.

We have always fought. That’s our happily ever after marriage picture. We fought all the way into our marriage and last year, fuelled by short fuses from sleep deprivation and the eternal worries of a first time parent we escalated to new levels of spite for each other. The difference is that as a mother to a young child, I could not walk out of the marriage anymore. I had to consider that my daughter loves her father and would learn so much more being there with him everyday. We both had so much to give her because we came from such opposing ends of talents and values.

So yesterday when I found out two of my friends’ marriages were on the brink of ending, my heart stopped and it went out to their two young children who will be caught in the midst of it all. I then thought about my friends who will have to bear parenthood alone and it all seemed too heavy a burden for me to contemplate. I couldn’t breathe amongst it all.

The thing is. That could very easily be me. I am a victim of sacrificing much much more than my partner. But I couldn’t help but remember an interview I did once with a successful Partner at my old work place whose husband was a CFO and how she in one sentence attributed her success at being a working mum with four young children to her supportive husband and then in the next one very quickly clarified that she is definitely still doing most of the work.

So I look back at how I have dealt with the anger and spite that built up within our marriage last year and whilst I cannot prescribe this to everyone else, I hope at least for those mothers who still have loving husbands that still want to be a contributing part of the family (no matter what percentage that may be), I hope that the changes I have made to my mentality below could be of some guidance to them.

1. I gave up on the idea of divorce. Because its not the easy way out. Because either way it was going to be difficult to move on in life and there was going to be heartbreak and tears staying or going, but I believed that the heartbreak was better being on my end rather than my daughter’s. And so I choose to stay and fight it out.

2. I accept that sometimes I am too strong-willed and particular to allow the household to be run in his way and so that’s why I don’t actually accept his help. So this means that I start seeing amidst my exhaustion and frustration, I need to see that it isn’t that he doesn’t help, it’s that he is doing the same thing but in a different way and he has a different level of tolerance to the same issues I see.

3. I understand that he cannot change the person he is. At least not through me telling him to do so. The notion most dramas and soap operas drum into us as young girls seeking romance is that true love changes a man to want to be a better person. But in reality, people are more set in their ways than that and true love to that extent is very very exhausting. I am not saying it is impossible, but for now I choose to put it on the same shelf as fairy tale endings and lead my life revelling in the small wins instead.

That’s how I mentally keep our marriage in check. I suppose it helps that my toddler is more independent now and our lives are back on a manageable track. We have routines which may be mundane at times, but they work and we each know the plan so it cuts out on the misunderstandings and miscommunication we had all of last year.

Yes my sweet sweet daughter helps too. She is so much of him in her quiet ways, her sense of humour and her clever ways of figuring out how things work. Yet she is so much of me in her eagerness to please and will to get her way and desire to be excellent at what she does. I realised whilst picnicking atop a mound in the park last weekend that she was no longer a baby. That she can now fork fried noodles into her own mouth and then take a swig of water to wash it down thoroughly enjoying herself in the moment. She was a delightful companion to me at the art gallery, understanding the experience of the installations and revelling in the mysterious beauty in Yayoi Kusama’s creations. She chatted and conversed with me and listened back when I had my say. Such a different environment from when we were spending time together last year whilst I was on maternity leave. I didn’t feel quite as alone or clueless as I was.




I think that's why we get married and build families. So that we walk through life together and live for each other's happiness and worries. We get companionship out of it all so that we may never need to be alone.



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Momentary revelry of life

Hi.

I am still here. I never said goodbye. I thought I was ready, but I miss you so much which is why although I let go of the other domain, I couldn't help but want to salvage and reinstate this for the old posts and memories. So much has happened since I'd last left here for Wordpress. Moving to UK, fun employment, living the expat life, pregnancy, motherhood. I am still trying to figure it all out. This is the first time in a long while that I thought I've got it in the bag by now, this motherhood thing. I can go through my daily routine working five days a week really smoothly. I feel happy at work and feel like I can contribute and then I get to come home and be with my child and each her grow and establish her own little personality. What has helped immensely so far:
1. The toddler finally having a routine and sleeping longer hours in the day and at night. Her being more predictable meant we could plan our schedules better.
2. Planning ahead and packing ahead the night before or when she sleeps. Meal planning on the commute so that when I get home I am not planning whilst a fussy toddler is hanging on to my leg begging for food/attention.
3. Working one day from home makes a world of difference as I am able to clean the flat quickly before the toddler gets home.
4. Keeping meals simple and meat and three veg is mainly done in one pot with the toddler eating the same thing as us. I used to make different meals for her but it was running me to the ground and she was not enjoying food the way I wanted her to so we just threw caution to the wind . She eats healthy at nursery five days a week, so if we follow the 5:2 diet, she's doing just fine. Our weeknight dinners can range as follows:

Mon: Lemon and Orange stewed vegetables and breaded chicken breast nuggets
Tues: Pan fried minute steak with wilted garlic spinach and minted peas
Wed: Herb and nut stuffed chicken breast with stir fried wombok
Thurs: Fish curry stew with a medley of root vegetables
Fri: Homemade Pizza night ( My Thermomix kneads the dough whilst I work from home).

Sometimes Thursday is leftovers night and fried rice or casserole of some sort is always a good way to use up the leftovers so we can clear the fridge for groceries and fresh cooking on the weekend.

It's good, the little one is happy and ever ready to learn these days. Just the weekend passed, I discovered she can say book, mmm for cow, she can point to her head when I say it and throws her hands up high and opens and shuts her little hands for Twinkle twinkle little star. All from me just slowly listening to her carefully and not being dismissive of her babble. I am stoked (and stunned) that she is communicating and developing more skills. But on the other hand, this makes for a very active child that is constantly bugging me to read book after book to her if we are at home, or to walk her around the restaurant if we are out. This latter one I am not a fan of. She just won't sit in a high chair anymore whilst I catch up with my friends. I have a feeling that this smugness and confidence in being a working mum is about to dissipate. I am on the cusp of parenting a walking toddler and fearfully awaiting the tantrums, arguments and more teething.

Until then, I wanted to note down this momentary revelry of life. Things are good and I don't want to take it for granted. Shall I disappear again, you'll find me on my Instagram account until I emerge again for air. Holding my breath for now. Talk soon...or later.





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Love stories

Disclaimer: Written from the perspective of a pregnant woman who has been married for three years and mightn’t be the right context for you.

I used to be sappy and love a good cry over tragic heartbreaks in love stories. Probably remnants of my Malaysian childhood growing up on an unhealthy dose of Taiwanese series where it’s usually impossible for the heroine and hero to be together unless they died together.







Last night however, we made a trip to the West End and watched Miss Saigon. Now, I was aware it was a love story between an American soldier and a local Vietnamese girl, but I wasn’t prepared to be as confronted by the prostitution of the girls in the beginning scene in Dreamland, a place where they promised girls the slim chance they could find love and thus find their way out of war-torn Saigon into America.

Now I won’t give the story away too much but suffice to say, I know this Miss Saigon story. It’s a tale as old as time and it isn’t a bad one but I was surprised by how little it moved me. Call me a cynic now, but having gone through what Mr HEA and I have gone through, I no longer believe in that heady passionate lust in the loins kind of love to be true love.

I think of love now in a different context and love to me is kind, caring and mutually nurturing. We love each other therefore we want to be better parts of ourselves, to do what’s right for the other party and to be there, just be present for when the other needs you. I feel guilt when I think about how I shan’t be fully devoted to loving just MrHEA once we have a child, and I think that is my deep love for him that is bringing on this guilt. I feel stronger with this than I ever did with our 9 years of dating and the first year of marriage. And I know this because I used to always toy with the idea that I could leave him and that I would be fine. That I could live without him and be complete still.

But now, it’s been a whole year where I have not uttered a single threat of leaving him. Yes, I know, I haven’t been PMSing so it’s not quite the same situation as before, but as we grow this child in me, it’s fostered this seal between us where I cannot imagine us apart ever again. I cannot be complete without him and know we couldn’t live apart from here on. This now has made me a total cynic in love stories. I much rather believe in a love where two people actually live through each other’s eyes and are constantly present (now this doesn’t mean glued at the hips, but I refer to being focused on each other when communicating with each other) and watching out for each other’s wellbeing.

Having that love will be my Valentine. I don’t need no sexy lingerie ( can’t fit into them presently anyways) or a bunch of flowers ( but a heart shaped confection or any shape confection really will still be accepted) to romance me. Just a kind word and loads of patience (and cuddles and back rubs) with me as I waddle my way along behind him as he parts the London crowds, navigating us through our London life together.


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Adieu Xmas & 2014; Hello 2015!

We had a quiet Xmas in London on the actual day. Donning tacky Christmas jumpers for an obligatory Xmas photo, we had just a couple of lobster tails and 30 day aged Hereford steaks after Christmas day mass.


Then we ate our desserts whilst watching a live rendition of Sound of Music with Carrie Underwood and Stephen Moyer. Not as festive as we are used to, but nonetheless full of joy and peace, we knew we would have a very different Christmas in 2015 and we wanted to steal back any time we could have to ourselves before then.

You see, I had a small epiphany leading up to Christmas, because I decided that life without Mr HEA in 2013 was joyless, soulless and purposeless, I knew that what I had in 2014 was enough. Enough excitement, enough love, enough happiness. That no matter how little I bought, how little stuff we had, how simple our lives in 2014 were, I felt we were the most blessed couple in the world, because we found each other and because we still loved each other after all that we went through, and that we could begin a little family of our own together next year. It seemed so fulfilling that I am overjoyed with our lives.

We came home to Sydney. We had our delayed Xmas gatherings with the family and our dearest friends.


There were no exchanges of gifts, but I didn’t mind. I didn’t need them because I was being given the most enthralling gift of all, the love and concern of such beautiful people. After each gathering, I breathed in deeply to remind myself that it wasn’t a dream, that I indeed had been in the presence of some rather wonderful beings and that they were all really good people that I wanted to surround my life with. and it only took me thirty years to find them all.

So, in 2015, I pray that I will continue to remember to be thankful for what I do have and not covet what I do not. I pray that as I earn less income whilst on Maternity Leave, I will not feel embarrassed or powerless in the presence of other hardworking people’s wealth leading to my discontent or insecurity or worse, tantrum throwing because of the former two feelings. As we held each other last night whilst watching the fireworks, his hand firmly holding on to my bump holding on to our squirming, unborn child and I at the same time, I knew that we would be fine in 2015, because we would be together, in the same place and as one.

May your 2015 be filled with just as much joy and peace as you can fathom and may you love all the moments you get to spend with your nearest and dearest. God bless.


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3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married

I still have some holiday posts to go up, but I feel like I haven't done a chest-baring post for a while. One that lets you all know what really went on under the surface of the happy holiday-making.

So here goes, my happy ever after almost ended in Madrid. He left me in the streets because we were fighting. Something really good happened in my career path just before I left you see, and I begged the question to Mr.HEA, if my career was to go places, would he give up UK and come back for me. And he never answered the question. I mean, he said he would, but I knew it wasn't what his heart wanted.

So, I prayed a prayer in Barcelona. At Gaudi's beautiful cathedral, I got on my knees in the pews and sought God's guidance, and I remembered the second reading we chose in our wedding ceremony. I chose it actually, in case you start thinking badly of Mr HEA, but I chose Ephesians 5's way on marriage, because I do believe in the teachings of Christ and that if we tried our best to follow Christ's framework of love, it would all work. And I knew it would need to serve as a reminder for us for the rest of our married life, because I was so strong-willed, I would find it hard to submit.

Anyways, Mr HEA and I talked it through that night. It was the beginning of many conversations. And my thoughts of leaving him dimmed because I wasn't about to make a life choice that goes against the value system that I had built for myself. After all, I have a path to walk and I wish to walk that with integrity; part of that was always to fulfill my role as a good Wife. I had fundamentally always dreamed of being that one day. And almost two years ago, I deemed Mr.HEA as the One when we walked down that aisle together as Husband and Wife.

I am happy now. It's funny how the world becomes less harsh when you stop going against the tide. I am more at peace now and Mr.HEA seems supportive and loving once more, instead of that torn man he was when I first realised I had to let him go to London, the one he reverted to once again when I begged him to come back for me.

I was the only thing left in Sydney that he loved (vice versa, he was the only thing in UK that I loved). He wanted me to want to join him because we missed living with each other so much. We had forgotten how to live with each other being apart for six months, and that scared us so. 

So, I took steps to revisit getting that visa to go over. Steps we postponed in February this year because we hoped another route would come through, but we were at the mercy of a big corporate and all their politics. That' always a horrible place to be. I made the choice to take it into our own hands instead and chose the route that we knew was risky but yielded quicker results. I think I will be there to join him soon. Well, there's hope anyways. Perhaps October? In time for our second year anniversary if the stars could align that way, but in any case, it'll be before this year is over I guess.

I've strung you along for quite a read now, when all I really wanted to share was the article below that I found on Facebook, words of Wisdom from a married man's perspective. If you don't mind reading further, please do, the teachings are beautiful.

I used to think I had my stuff together. Then I got married.

Marriage is great—but it rocked everything I knew. I quickly realized my basic goal in life, prior to getting married, was to simply remain undisturbed.

This “disruption” came suddenly and was disguised as a 5-foot-nothing Swedish-Filipino woman. When I decided I’d rather not live without her, I proceeded to ask her to marry me—that is, to officially invite someone who wasn’t me to be in my personal space for the rest of my life.

This decision introduced my most significant experiences and most challenging experiences—none of which I would trade for the world.

However, I wish I’d had a bit more insight on the front end of our marriage to help me navigate it all.

According to most research, more than 50 percent of people who say “I do” will not be sleeping in the same bed eight years from now. And though Scripture alludes to the fact that adultery and abuse may be reasons individuals might end a marriage, I’d be willing to bet that most challenges experienced in marriage are the result of unawareness. Most people—myself included—jump into marriage with suitcases full of misconceptions and bad theology, entirely unaware of the unique beauty and paradoxical intentions of marriage.


Although happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy relationship, marriage has a far more significant purpose in sight.
The following are three thoughts on marriage that friends and mentors have shared with me. I remind myself of them often in hopes of keeping this anomaly called marriage both enjoyable and healthy.

1. Marriage is not about living happily ever after.

Here’s the truth: I get annoyed at my wife. But this is more a reflection of me than her.

I’m intensely certain that nothing in life has ever made me more angry, frustrated or annoyed than my wife. Inevitably, just when I think I’ve given all I can possibly give, she somehow finds a way to ask for more.

The worst part of it all is that her demands aren’t unreasonable. One day she expects me to stay emotionally engaged. The next, she's looking for me to validate the way that she feels. The list goes on—but never ventures far from things she perfectly well deserves as a wife.

Unfortunately for her, deserving or not, her needs often compete with my self-focus. I know it shouldn’t be this way, but I am selfish and stubborn and, overall, human.

I once read a book that alluded to the idea that marriage is the fire of life—that somehow it’s designed to refine all our dysfunction and spur us into progressive wholeness. In this light, contrary to popular opinion, the goal of marriage is not happiness. And although happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy relationship, marriage has a far more significant purpose in sight. It is designed to pull dysfunction to the surface of our lives, set it on fire and help us grow.

When we’re willing to see it this way, then the points of friction in our marriages quickly become gifts that consistently invite us into a more whole and fulfilling experience of life.

2. The more you give to marriage, the more it gives back.

Over the past year, a few friends and I have had an open conversation about the highs and lows of marriage—specifically how to make the most of the high times and avoid the low ones. Along the way, we happened upon a derailing hypothesis that goes something like this: If one makes their husband or wife priority number one, all other areas of life benefit.


When we return marriage to its rightful place in our priorities, it can quickly turn into the greatest asset to every other layer of our lives.

It’s a disorienting claim. Disorienting, because it protests my deeper persuasion that success as an entrepreneur, or any professional, requires that career takes the throne of my priorities and remain there for, at the very least, a couple of years.


However, seeing that my recent pattern of caring about work over marriage had produced little more than paying bills and a miserable wife, I figured giving the philosophy a test drive couldn’t hurt.

For 31 days, I intentionally put my wife first over everything else, and then I tracked how it worked. I created a metric for these purposes, to mark our relationship as priority, and then my effectiveness in all other areas of my life on the same scale, including career productivity and general quality of life.

To my surprise, a month later, I had a chart of data and a handful of ironic experiences to prove that the more you give to marriage, the more it gives back.

Notably, on the days my wife genuinely felt valued, I observed her advocating for me to invest deeply in to my work. She no longer saw our relationship and my career pursuits as competitors for my attention, and as she partnered with me in my career, I have experienced the benefits of having the closest person in my life champion me.

Of course, marriage requires sacrifice. And sometimes it will feel as if it takes and takes. However, when we return marriage to its rightful place in our priorities, it can quickly turn from something we have to maintain and sacrifice for into the greatest asset to every other layer of our lives.

3. Marriage can change the world.

John Medina, the author of Brain Rules and a Christian biologist, is often approached by men looking for the silver bullet of fathering. In one way or another, they all come around to asking, “What’s the most important thing I can do as a father?”

Medina's answer alludes to a surprising truth.

In my previously mentioned experiment, I measured the effect that making my marriage priority number one had on different areas of my life. One of those areas was my 16-month-old son’s behavior.

What I found in simply charting my observations was that the majority of the time, my child’s behavior was directly affected by the level of intention I invested in my marriage.

Re-enter John Medina, the Christian biologist. After years of biological research and several books on parenting conclusions, what is his answer to the question, “What’s the most important thing I can do as a father”?

“Go home and love your wife.”

Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, the authors of Babywise, say it this way: “A healthy marriage creates an infused stability within the family and a haven of security for a child in their development process.” They go on to sum up their years of research by saying, “In the end, great marriages produce great parents.”

The point is that marriage has a higher goal than to make two people happy or even whole. Yes, the investment we make into our marriage pays dividends for us. But, concluded by Medina and his colleagues, the same investment also has significant implications for our family, our community and eventually our culture.

So men, women, the next time you find yourself dreaming about living significantly or succeeding in your career or being a better parent than yours were to you, do the world a favor: Go home and love your wife. Go home and and love your husband.

Admin Khuy

Things I wish I knew at 16

On beauty:

• That you'll develop your first awareness of wrinkles when you hit 28, but don't worry, after a year of a constant moisturising regime, their appearance will minimise. But gosh you should really be kinder to your eyes and neck.


• Freckles are the bain of your life. You do not discover this until you get to Australia two years later and lazily do not use sun screen for the first year of your life. From that point onwards, the damage could never be reversed. NEVER. Not even when you fraxeled them off for your wedding. Which by the way was a perfect waste of a thousand dollars.

 

On friendship:

• That 'bestie' you had at 16, isn't your bestie anymore now. In fact, you should never have moved in with her in Sydney.


• The friend that you judged all the time because you didn't understand her understands you better than you do her, and is so much better a person than you could ever hope to be. But never fear, you grow up to understand her better and she becomes your one true friend that is almost like your sister. Go easy on her, she deserves for you to be a better friend.

On fashion:

• The bags you buy, Don't obsess on the fashion items. They don't last in popularity for very long and you grow out of them too. And no they don't turn out to be the 'investment' pieces you expect them to be. Off-loading them is really hard and you don't get much money for them!


• That Gold jacket you will see in four year's time for $50. Leave it there. Don't even look at it another time. Walk away from it.


• You overobsessed with pink when you are 18. It will haunt you for a long time. Trust me.


• The harder you try to be different from everyone else, you'll one day grow up to want to be exactly like everyone else. So don't be too proud and too quick to judge.

On family and relationships:

• Love your brother more and be more patient with him when he needs you. One day, you won't be around anymore to guide him and he will be so lost without you, but I understand, you were lost yourself, even though you act like you've got it so together.



• Stop being so mean to your mum. She and you will have very little time together in two years time because you will leave Malaysia and you will hardly come home anymore.


• You'll end up marrying a guy that didn't meet any of the five criterion you listed out with your bestie the other day, but it's alright, he's the perfect man for you

• Don't be so tough on S when you're dating. Hold yourself together and be a kinder girlfriend to him, because he does change after marriage (despite all the things Mum told you were myths about men) and he is the kindest, most loving and understanding husband that hates to disappoint you. Hang in there until then.

Cray Cray for Love



Excerpts from Leo Tolstoy's Anna Karenina, highlighting the points where she is slowly going cray cray because at that point, Love is just no longer enough:

Before Vronsky' s departure for the election, Anna, coming to the conclusion that the scenes which had always taken place every time he left her for a journey might serve to cool his love rather than attach him more firmly to her, resolved to control herself to the best of her ability, so as to endure calmly the separation from him. But the cold, stern look which he had given her when he came to tell her about his journey had wounded her, and he was hardly out of her sight before her resolution was shaken.

In her solitude, as she began to think over his cold look, which seemed to hint at a desire for liberty, she came back, as she always did, to one thing — to the consciousness of her humiliation.

" He has the right to go when and where he pleases. Not only to go, but to abandon me. He has all the rights, and I have none ! But as he knows this, he ought not to have done this. And yet what has he done ? .... He looked at me with a hard, stern look. Of course, that is vague, intangible. Still, he did not formerly look at me so, and it signifies much," she thought;

"that look proves that he is growing cold toward me."

" It is all the same to me," thought Anna, "if only he is here ; and when he is here he cannot help loving me ; he does not dare not to love me."

***

" That is not the cause," said she ; " and I do not understand how my irritability, as you call it, can be caused by the fact that I have come absolutely into your power. How is my position indefinite .'' It seems to me the contrary." 

" I am sorry that you are not willing to understand," he replied, obstinately determined to express his thought. " Its uncertainty comes from this, — that you think that I am free." 

Watching the film on the plane back from London sparked off a niggling thought in me. What if going over to London makes me entirely dependent on Mr.HEA and that slowly drives him insane before driving me off the cliff too?

I didn't use to like Anna when I read the story as a younger woman, but perhaps it was because I feared that insanity that is so inane in females. The one that scares the alpha males away, the one that does not bode well with the Grace and elegance I am aspiring to (wishful thinking).

But now, faced with the tough decisions, its difficult to keep her leashed.

Well, I am not about to give up, but as with all big tasks/goals, the easiest way to achieve them is to take them in bite-sized chunks, so I am doing just that for now. Making my plans one step at a time.

London so far

I hit the ground running here on Saturday morning. Before I proceed any further I just wanted to make a public service announcement to anyone transiting at Bangkok airport. Please do find the time if you can to walk the half hour walk to the beginning of Concourse A on Level 3. For 1200 Thai Baht which is about AUD40-ish, I got the most relaxing aromatherapy 1 hour massage at Chang foot Massage and Spa, just what the doctor ordered for those stiff muscles from sitting 8 hours on a plane and lugging around heavy hand luggage.

I even got to shower as part of the package and this is a boon given I faced another 15 hour flight on that second leg to London. This made sleeping on the ride much easier and arriving the next morning to greet a husband that one hasn't seen for a few months, a less harrowing experience.

Now onto the good stuff, I came up with the brilliant idea of going to the Portobello markets as soon as I've dumped my bags at the Mr's house. I needed to keep awake all day otherwise I surely would have fallen into the dangers of jetlag.

Trawling the vintage jewellery stores, I stumbled upon these for GBP45 which is a decent find I tell myself as it is a classic design and can never go out of fashion.

We also bought some delectable berries from the markets, even though strawberries aren't in season anymore which was why they were so tiny and sweet.

We went on from the Markets to Shepherd Bush where I was confronted by a Westfield that reminds me of the Bondi Junction Westfield. That thought is quickly forgotten though as I had approximately 1 hour to conduct any shopping I needed to complete my outfit. I had packed inappropriately for the weather of course and brought 30 denier stockings or something ridiculous like that. To Marks & Spencer's we go and I didn't stop at just stockings, I changed out of my gum boots to these:

GBP 29.50 from M&S!

The evening was spent at the Roux at Landau, a fabulous restaurant of which I shall do a further post on, but I was too tired to really partake respectfully of the meal.

It was the end of the day and I had barely slept, the effects of the massage completely worn off by then, I bade the crew at the restaurant an early mark for the night and Mr.HEA navigated me through the late night shoppers on Regent Place back to our home in Fulham.

I loved waking up with Mr.HEA on Sunday morning. It was like playing house, he takes me to his local Waitrose where we buy these organic groceries and proceed to make ourselves a nice breakfast, much like we used to do on the weekends back home.

This was our only Sunday left together in London. We had a quiet one, cooked breakfast and dinner and ironed shirts. We only ducked out briefly to replenish again my poorly packed wardrobe. You would have seen my exclaim of delight at H&M when I stumbled upon a rack of 50% off leftover Martin Maison Margiela collaboration pieces.

These 100% wool trousers will be super warm and trendy for London Winter. Score, score and score!

I have a couple of other posts I'd do separately from these ones. These are just the musing posts that I record the daily activities with. London's too exciting to be couped up at home blogging. Plus I have Chanel bag mule shopping to attend to. *wink*

Really loving the bag tag that they are giving out this season at Chanel!





P.S. I don't know why the blog republished this old post from last week. OR the week before. Note the date though, perhaps the world is going to end today if random things like these keep happening! 

Married but single

I am going off on my trip to see Mr. HEA soon. A trip I approached with trepidation.

Maybe I ought to change my blog name, or maybe I am still in search of my happy ever afters. It didnt appear upon marriage like the fairytales promise. Truth is, Mr. HEA's path to happiness right now is mutually exclusive from mine.




I have always loved Sydney and this chance to find my own life in Sydney again and rebuild it anew as a married but single person, it was really a good way to live out the single girl in me that I never properly heralded out before we married.

Who says Sydney lacks in any way the amount of things to do? I have always loved this city what with the random promotions and festivals. Remember that time when Martin place was transformed into a massive nail parlor?



Or when Lego pieces were strewn around?




And when they brought Orange out to Sydney and also had Art and about installations all for free.

Nothing beats these lovely surprises and the gorgeous landscapes made even more beautiful with the perpetual sunshine




I haven't even mentioned the new speakeasy bars that have infiltrated our social scene giving us just a tad more variety than we used to have. Or the good selection of good quality food that's readily available. All has made it worthwhile that I stayed behind.

I won't lie. This distance has taken me to some rather dark moments this year that I ain't proud of. I pray I figure out what is my new path in the next six months and I hope it aligns with his.

Until then, I bid lovely Sydney 2012 adieu and will be trying out London for a while.




P. s . Thank you all my well wishers and friends and followers for being so supportive and patient with my cynicism and rants. It's been easier just knowing you all care.




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Happyeverafter one year

It has been a long day. So different from a year ago from today but I had a very lovely package today waiting at reception. I am glad he remembered, but couldn't cope with others asking questions. So I hid it under a trusted friend's desk until I left the office.


There were two boxes. He got a vase so that I could keep it at work, but I really didn't want to remind anyone else it was our one year's.
 
He sent such a lovely card. I had tears well up in my eyes before I blinked them away. It was just the most beautiful sentiment, to know he loves me.


He sent white roses and pink lilies. The Lilies are my favourite, but the roses are graceful, There was a massive heart-shaped chocolate bar the size of my palm too in the box amongst the flowers.

  We had plans to make rendezvous over the Internet. A virtual date where we vowed to eat one favourite dish and share a photo with each other. I meant to have sashimi, but it was too cold. Noodle soup was close and oh so comforting. I had a salad too because if I had my way, a salad for lunch is what I'd prefer.

We used facetime on the bed at the same time. We replicated pillow talk. But being about to go to work made it difficult to make anything meaningful out of it. But we decided we were going to postpone the celebrations. I will be in London in exactly two month's time, so we'll make some fancy reservations and enjoy our marriage and being in the same place again at once.

Give me a shout out of where you think we should visit in London for Lunch?
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When someone embarks upon a long distance relationship

Life has been tough working on the long distance. But in truth, it hasn't really begun yet because I haven't yet gotten to begin the Skype and Viber calls.
I keep missing the boy when he What's apps me and it really sucks. For a moment I begun to believe I really suck at this game. But first let me back track a little.

Day 1:
I probably struggled a little when I came back into the room after the airport and after saying goodnight to my in-laws, being all alone, shed some private tears.

Then I decided to nurse my heart with Modern Family episodes on the TV setup Mr.HEA left me with and I slept quite alright.

Getting up on Day 1 was tender, I was fragile. I wasn't sure what state I should be in, but the in-laws acted normal so I had no reason to act otherwise. Walking to work in the new neighbourhood and learning this new routine, I kept checking my thoughts, taking deep breaths before the tears rolled down my cheeks. And this was my revelation, I kept thinking like he was never coming back...or that I had lost him. But how odd is that when I really could fare worse, it could be like the Time Traveller's wife (I don't know why but this story relates best to me at the moment for solace) when her husband dies and she knows she only gets one more chance to see him in her future. I am luckier, I have Mr.HEA to Skype, Viber and What's app and email if I so fancy. The point is, he is away, but not gone.

So I straighten myself up and carry on.

An observation though, people tend to want to offer hugs and words of kindness and support. I feel touched, but I can't take them right now. The funny thing is, Mr.HEA's cousin's done the exact same thing as Mr.HEA and left her long-term partner behind. Sharing with him, he tells me he gets that too, but they also feed him cause they are possibly worried that no one is feeding him anymore. Funny.

Thanks everyone who have tried to get in contact to help me grieve/ tide over the period, but truly, your kindness makes me weak at the moment and I need strength more than anything.

And my solution is to focus on the other things that I can do without being reminded of Mr.HEA, and thank goodness there is plenty.

I work, and pour myself into my job. I catch up with my friends that are not mutual friends of ours, I talk to my mum and brother and have a good laugh. I watch comedies and organise things around the room to make life as normal and comfortable for myself as I possibly can instead of moping around. And I take the time to take care of myself, investing time in my beauty routine and getting more exercise and beauty sleep.

Day 2:

Today I am a lot stronger and didn't have to take as many deep breaths to collect myself. I did learn that my GM views my long distance relationship as a business risk though and I do not know if I should feel honoured that I am viewed to be that important, or if I should be upset that the business could be so unfeeling about my personal life. Anyhoo, I am not making a big deal out of this until they do.

I keep missing Mr.HEA's What's App msges. I guess using the iPhone 3 does make this What'sApp thing a lot harder with all the delayed responses. I am sad I haven't been getting to hear his voice, but I just have to keep patient and vigilant for the phone notifications and not let it get the better of us.

Also got a little distracted because I had ordered mum flowers online for her bday and got jipped because the delivery was two flowers short





and there was certainly was a lot more foliage than the picture showed!
What a rort?!!!

Sometimes a little retail fury is just what the doctor's ordered for some long distance strength. That and some gin.

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Day Zero: Celebrating the Mundane

Life seemed to be all about celebrating the mundane before Mr.HEA left. Holding hands, cuddling on the couch in front of a movie, eating dinner, brushing our teeth together. All things we just took for granted when we first moved in together after getting married.

It wasn't till we were moving out of our marital home thar we realised how important the opportunity to live with each other was and how we squandered it away.

Ten car loads later our house is now void of our personal stuff and it is on the market for rental. One suitcase and carry on bag is packed in his teenage bedroom in his parent's house, ready to be hoisted into the car this afternoon, airport-bound. And makeup, jewelry, bags, shoes and clothes abound have been crammed into the teenage boy's room as the parents now are left with a daughter-in -law who they have graciously accepted as their own.

Whilst I was hesitant to accept their generosity at first because I was resilient, stubborn and morose, I have come to realize that they are losing a son too and am hoping for me to fill that void. I must accept that they have offered me a home and that I should learn to make it mine and as seamlessly as possible, integrate into their lives so that I am no trouble to them.

Gosh this is going to be tough, but the spare time from not needing to run a household, the chance to hang out with all my girlfriends again,an opportunity to focus only on work, the shopping trips to Europe and the Game of thrones and Mad Men episodes I now get to watch in the evenings whilst not ironing clothes...all somehow makes me believe that there is method to this madness that we are about to embark upon. See you on the other side, a.k.a Day 1.

Lucky

It has been a lucky weekend. On the way driving to the Cinema to watch Ted and we mentioned having the whole cinema to ourselves and what a treat it would be. We got there and look at this! Just us plopped right in the middle of it all. Except that as soon as the ads were finishing, more people came in so the treat was very short lived.

We also went to a Karaoke sesh, one where they rate your performance and Mr.HEA and I scored a perfect 100 for belting out Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat's Lucky . Yay!

But that wasn't where the luck ended for being married to my best friend. I took off my wedder and slipped it into my jacket pocket whilst gardening with Mr.HEA and whilst bending over, it fell out into the mulch. I spent over an hour combing the laid in mulch and was very close to tears when my Superman husband with his x-ray vision finds it after I had given up. Hurrah!

Also tried my luck at making the perfect pork crackling and third time lucky, here's the evidence. Makes for awesome beer food take my word for it.

Last but not least, we had been very frustrated with our bank and was livid with a phone call they made to us on Friday night. So much so we almost broke up with them and trust me, we ran through all the paperwork to switch over the weekend. But just as we were preparing it all to go into the envelope to mail off, I asked Mr.HEA a question about whether we would be slapped with penalty rates for exiting the loan and upon looking it up, we caught on that we would have been slapped with a $5k penalty rate/ clawback, whatever you would call it. Aiks! Close Shave.

Hugging Mr.HEA last night, reassuring him that we had saved ourselves albeit having spent all the last month investigating this refinance option, I really thanked God that we were able to listen to each other through frustrating times and that we have been able to think through these adult decisions together as we find our feet through married life.

If you still aren't convinced it's lucky being married to your best friend, then what is? :)

Do you believe in Star-crossed lovers?

No really... How many times have you had to try and give a good friend (who's had their heart broken) some story about why they should not give up on love or why someone is their perfect someone and is waiting for them?

My latest story is about my real life idol who I always share with my gal friends about because she is our Singaporean Carrie Bradshaw. She is only nine years older than me but has really captivated my imagination of the world I wanted for myself when I grew up.

Because I wanted to emulate her beauty, I used her favorite cosmetics, SK II. Because I loved her jet-setting life, I studied international business. Because I adored her style and self-confidence, I always followed her antics with the greatest interest even if she was a very private person. After several relationships, and a severe battle with depression, I see her soar again now with a story that inspires my friends who at this age want to give up hope that they might ever meet Mr. Right.

My idol met her love not too long ago and will get married this year. He's bought her a penthouse and a Cartier ring and an apartment in Paris I believe the rumors were. I was so happy that her Happy Ever After was looming as we had never gotten this close before.

This isn't the princess's dream though. It isn't something you read to little girls at night. For who ever went to bed thinking one day that she will grow up to become the stepmother? You see, her package comes with kids and that she had to wait patiently for his family to accept her before all this could happen.

I suppose this shows that sometimes, the package might not come the way you were looking for, but if you kept an open mind, you'd find your Mr. Right-for-you in a way least expected by you. I mean there is no hard and fast rule as to what Mr. Right should be like, or which pool you'd find him in.

I found mine in a man who was the shoulder I needed, the strength that I lacked and the patience and wisdom of the world I never had. I was looking to play the field when he asked me to go out having been hurt in the previous two relationships and sick of it. But S was to me all those years ago, like the pastel blue unicorn I found at school that had broken off someone's pencil, an alluring piece of throwaway that I kept because I was sure I'd need it someday but was not sure right then what I'd need it for but I didn't want another to have it. Thankfully, I was curious to see what we could have and I was curious to see if He could teach me to know that Love, you know, that as Carrie puts it," Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient , consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

I imagined that one day I may find out that our paths have crossed before and some sign would show that we were just meant for each other. Now, it just doesn't seem so important anymore as I know our Love is just what we want to make of it.

Keep calm and carry on

Keep Calm and Carry On was a poster produced by the Government of the United Kingdom in 1939 during the beginning of the Second World War, intended to raise the morale of the British public in the event of invasion.

Source: Wikipedia

Today has been that kind of day, beyond that which I had to deal with at work. I think I have led on in previous posts that at the HEA household, something has been bubbling away under the surface. And well, here it is. No it isn't that Mr.HEA's grandmother passed away and we celebrated her wake last week (the reason why the posts front has been quiet). She had a beautiful long life and she brought together six children, eleven grandchildren and five great-grandchildren, left behind to continue her legacy and looking around, the room, we are all such well brought up people and decent contributors to society that I think it was her mark on the world and I'd be truly proud of that achievement for myself in her shoes. For that, I dried my tears and vowed to celebrate her life and legacy instead of fretting I never got to know her.

Well, the post alludes more to the next chapter of my married life. Mr. HEA has decided to up and fulfill his dream of living in London, which is why if you have followed me on Twitter, you would have seen that I have booked tickets to go there in December to visit. Mr.HEA is leaving in August. Everyone I have told seems to be more panicked than me, telling me that I simply need to give up my career and be with him because my husband and my married life is more important. But I have made up my mind.

Perhaps I am selfish, I am staying put because I came here ten years ago and built everything I have here from scratch. The networks, the home, the family. I am not prepared to go back to nothing yet. Mr. HEA tells me it's just stuff. And I know he is right. But having a proper couch and a good fridge is how you tell you are here to stay and that this is your real home. Well, that was how we earmarked it when we were students, sharing accomodation. This is my own territory now and I struggle to leave behind. Besides, I have worked so hard to be influential of the direction of something that is so visible and tangible, that I cannot see why I would let it go for nothing secure?

Well, the plan is this, that Mr.HEA goes, since this is his adventure, and I stay because I have experienced mine, plus someone needs to support the mortgage until the finances are stable. I know, it is my Head talking, not my Heart. At times, I wake in the middle of the cold night and I slip into the nooks formed by his stance and am warmed and comforted by his physical presence in bed with me, but then I shed a tear for him not going to be there in a few months' time.

I have asked for him to wait for our one year's anniversary, but he is so unhappy being held back that I simply cannot bear to watch him suffer for my selfishness. So I will let go, and I will be strong if he cannot bear to see me suffer. He does not need to worry for me, I tell him as much, I want him to be only concerned about himself at first. And he is good, thinking about everything he possibly can to ensure that my well-being is cared for in every aspect whilst he is away (much like Captain Crawley did for Becky in Vanity Fair before he went on to war). I Love Him so for that, but as much as I thought Becky the conniving and selfish heroine, and how I loved Amelia's character in the story, I realise now I must be Becky, despite how people must judge me, and be distant and cold and strong to Mr.HEA so that he will thrive and survive in the wilderness London whilst we are apart.

Plenty of time to be meek and demure and reliant when we are reunited in the future. In my last post, I alluded we were celebrating, that is, we were celebrating him getting his Visa approved. My dear man is beside himself, so I shall remain supportive, keep calm and carry on.