I had a fight with my mother during CNY. I think she deserves a better life but she keeps putting others first and not fighting for herself.
I resent that. I have this complex from constantly being deprioritised by her. Other children were always more important than me. She'd take on board all the cousins so that she didn't have a rest day and the aunties could have child free days instead. She would buy toys for them usually using my Wishlist as a gauge as to what they may like but it's not for me. She said it was greater to give your best to others and that joy of giving is our best present.
And when we went on holidays she wouldn't come. Somehow believing that holidays were far too indulgent for her and not working or being 'useful' irked her somewhat. She'd stay behind to work whilst my bro and I went somewhere with a relative. The only holidays she went on she'd need it to be sold to her as meaningful. A networking event for the business, a time to reunite my grandmother with her daughters. Work and the unity of our extended family was all she cared about. Not so her own family unit. We were just meant to be model children who practiced all the values and met her high standards when it came to work ethic, generosity, kindness and selflessness. The only time I'd get to spend time with her is if we joined the family business. That was her only way she would believe. She'd make my sister in law and brother do the same. Marry them to the business because she cannot see a life beyond it. She calls it working for yourself.
I speak of all this in disdain. Yet my husband points out that I am no different ( though I implore he calls me out if I ever make my daughter feel as unimportant as I'd felt all my life) from her. I am my mother although I was raised by my grandmother. I am her in family values and the tireless need to make someone happy. Even the shopping penchant I inherited from my dad is channeled into buying gifts that make others happy. Spending money on myself always left me trying my hardest to justify my purchases with reasons other than I'm worth it.
But this isn't about me. It is my mother, a woman whom I hope would one day live for herself. Practice her meditation, become vegan, and attend Buddhist conferences. Perhaps one day she would allow my dad to pamper her in the way she covets without her feeling like it is not her right. One day she may actually finish her massage or facial relaxed and not jumping out of the bed because she has to rush off somewhere else.
That reminds me then to not make my daughter ever feel like she is not worth it. Whilst balancing it against her sense of self- entitlement. I must at least let her know that her happiness if based upon kind and sensible matters( as opposed to material things), is most certainly worth my attention and my time and one day, hopefully a partner's attention and time. Because I don't want her to be self deprecating, I don't want her to be taken for granted the way my mother is and the way I feel.
Which brings me back to the Indian proverb "Children tie the feet of their Mothers" that I read from an article on Mothers slowing down for their children. This morning when my toddler said to me (as she has been the past few days) that she wanted to walk to nursery, I chose to quash the nagging voice in me that I'd have to carry her half the way, that she'd make me late for my train and instead I allowed her to. She surprised me by not falling down once, not asking to be carried and I still made my train in to work. Perhaps my little girl is growing up too fast and I have to learn to be patient with her demands before she no longer enjoys walking with me and certainly before she learns to no longer ask me for such simple pleasures in life.
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