You never stop becoming

When I read this in the nytimes review of the TV series Girls finale it was a poignant reminder of what life really is: “Girls” is a story of becoming. Hannah has become an author, become a teacher, become a parent. But she also — like all of us — will never stop becoming. Nothing stops being a struggle. No one stops growing up. You triumph and screw up, you succeed and backslide. You walk on...

It is true that the essence of life is about the becoming. Reflecting on the words our friends and family specifically remember us saying at each stage though, I know I have become so much more. I remember a cousin once observed how truly in love I was with my boyfriend and then juxtaposed with another time, in my stop in Malaysia before coming over to London where Kak made an observation that she thought I no longer believed in Love. I was two years into my marriage then and heartbroken from the long distance I endured not long after we married. Kak knew me more from my Carrie Bradshaw-esque single girls era where I was fervently searching for real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.

Looking at the snippets of social media I've shared since 2007 (Facebook) and 2010 (Instagram), the past ten years truly documented my becoming a woman. First a fun-seeking willing to try anything young woman in her early twenties. Just out of Uni, had my first taste of travel to Japan and Europe, earning enough in my bank account to purchase my first designer bag (my lust for Louis Vuitton back then was my biggest weakness and worse obsession in my life). I agonised over why he wouldn't say he loved me. Formulated theories over why he tortured me so and then threw it to the wind and went fine dining and fine wine tasting with friends before dancing/singing into the depths of the night.

In 2010, I went to America and got proposed to, after which I began this blog and thus began preparing myself for this rite of passage called Marriage. I thought I knew all about it and the kind of wife I would be, essentially a bigger, badder-arse version of the girlfriend I was, with full financial control over the household. Ah that was not to be so. I was repressed in a career that I loved, but didn't feel respected in, I flitted between the glamour of living a blog-worthy life and the realities of making a marriage work and how it doesn't include my girlfriends or my love of the culinary delights in top restaurants, not with Mr.HEA anyways. When we stripped it down with all our soul-searching, it didn't even include the house we thought would be our family home. It wasn't the city or the life we need to show we lived, it was just the two of us and how important it was that both of us were continuously seeking to work at our marriage and respect each others' dreams and talents.

So I began my thirties in Europe. A three star Michelin restaurant in Paris full of Epicurious delights heralded in a year of travel and rebuilding. We had pressed the reset button on our relationship and we thought we had the foundations of what truly mattered to us sorted. We thought then, perhaps it is time to start a family. I thought that was what was missing. I began the journey to Motherhood with a lot of high standards. Being away from my friends and family in a melting pot of a city, I could decide on any way I wanted to bring up my child without the pressures of society. The people I hung out with just assumed I was adopting the Malaysian Chinese/ Australian way if I signed up to something different.

But it was precisely this approach that wore me out as a mother. So many decisions and so many right answers but not knowing what was right for us became daunting and overwhleming. Coupled with post-natal hormones and sleep deprivation, I crumbled slowly and my relationship with Mr.HEA with it. We fought and cried so much all three of us that I swore we couldn't go on. He accused me of not being prepared for motherhood, of spoiling her and of not wanting to be a mother, but it isn't that. I know. I adore her, my little girl and now that she is more independent, I know I couldn't have given her a better start in her life with what we had. I know we have to live with the actions we've shown her and fighting and shouting perhaps shouldn't have happened, but I stand by not letting her cry it out, I stand by the baby led weaning and the breastfeeding on demand and not succumbing to the formula in her early months. I was there when she needed me. I gave her all I could. Sure I was broken from it all and not a very good wife after it, but I never regretted having her. Mr.HEA was wrong. What I was wrong about, was that I underestimated how much of a mental shift it was to be a mother compared to before. I shouldn't have aimed to be a super wife, because that created a man who couldn't anticipate my needs and then when the going got tough, I was left on my own to fend for it all. He watched from the sidelines, refusing to support my approaches because he thought I should have been more like his mother in my methods. And I hated. every. minute.

Rant aside, we've come out of that now. I think I am a stronger mother, I'd gone back to work and made it work being a working mother. I am lucky enough now to be in a challenging role career wise, but also comfortable to not need to climb further whilst I let my daughter's needs take the spotlight. Sure I lament not being able to check out the latest hotspots in town or having girly dates out, or last minute theatre plans or even just time to myself. I have come to terms with the fact that this is just how it is being a mum.

My life is behind the scenes now. Making life choices and teaching a little human being the skills she needs to navigate this world with. I have become more hippy than ever and less eager to chase after the latest fashion styles or lifestyle trends. Life as a working mum with one child is manageable and good. We even have travelled to six countries with her so far and I have done two trips aside on my own.

Will I become something else next? The next chapter is surely not far ahead. A soccer mum? Will I give up my job for my kids and become a SAHM? I don't know just yet. I just know never to say never. We are embarking upon a new life the end of this year. It should be familiar, but perhaps different challenges will present themselves too. Not perhaps. They definitely will. I am becoming the mother of two. The doors will close on this easy life I know now. And one day they might open again with homework and sport events in tow. But please I implore you to not give up on me and to not judge my weaknesses. I assure you we are well. And Hopeful for a better start to Dumpling #2's introduction to this world.

Today I saved - Priceline haul

There's always something a girl can find to buy at a drugstore. I wandered into Priceline today knowing I wanted to buy something, not knowing what. There's been a lot of agonising over aging here lately.

Models Prefer Mini Hair Straightener 15% off, I saved $2.25 but given a GHD is over $200, this is a real real steal. Of course it doesn't work as well as a GHD, it just serves the purpose in removing the kinks at the end of my bob.

 Models Prefer Thermal Radial styling brush. I needed a radial brush and this one was only $10.

This here is the real reason I went to Priceline. I needed a neck cream. Getting closer to 30 is showing on my neck nowadays. Noticeable creases are forming and if they are like the fine lines around my eyes, I know they won't go away. I'll only be able to minimise the appearance of wrinkles. The Loreal Youth Code Night cream was on special so I thought it was worth a try over the Olay anti-ageing cream which wasn't discounted.

The pleasant smelling cream was thick and oily, hard to absorb into the skin, but it promises that after one night my skin will be rehydrated and results within a week. I will report back. I saved $11 on this.

Garnier invisi mineral deodorant 20% off so I saved $1.10 on something that is just an everyday staple since I had hit adolescence.

With the discounts, I saved $13.35 which is decent. What's a girl gonna do when there's bargains and beauty promises galore? Not shop? Didn't think so. *wink*

50 Shades of Wellbeing

Hello  my lovely readers,

I don't think any of you have ever expected me to be a source of inspiration for keeping fit. I am just one of those people who lounge around and complain that I am fat when my collarbones are still showing. I take my body for granted I do. But whilst you aren't seeking inspiration from me, I have been observing these two girls on their wellbeing journey and I am thrilled for them because I see the results that they have been able to achieve.

Source

I find Alina's posture has improved significantly and she has centred her core well so that she doesn't need to be constantly shifting her weight when standing still. Do you realise how much more better one comes across just by having better posture? Astounding change.

And Penny? She looks so much more radiant and I cannot beleive how much more energy she seriously has now because she has so much conviction in achieving her personal health goals, and she has so many effective tips and tricks for how she makes it all work and fit into her lifestyle which she would love to share with other women aspiring for the same thing.

Now these aren't fad diets, there weren't drastic changes to their work commitments, they haven't stopped having fun with their friends. Behind their desk jobs, amidst their active social lives, they have created a healthier lifestyle that now sees them as two normal, vibrant and most importantly, healthy individuals. I beleive the whole commitment began over a year ago now, it was 1st October when they had that last cigarette, and we kept thinking they would quit, but they haven't and they just keep achieving new health goals.

So, if you seek inspiration, please do like their FB page, and stay tuned as they share their effective methods and prove how you can still be fit whilst holding on to a desk job.

Am I there yet?

I must say that it has been a fairly decent week so far... I've learnt a couple of things that positions me in my current stage of life. That is, I am too old to know who the One Direction boys were or want to marry them...like these girls did:


But I was also not yet at the stage of my life where I could name the character this one year old's cake was based upon. Or why it's left wing looked unfinished.



So where does that leave me?
I am part of the social media whirlwind, trawling beauty, fashion and lifestyle blogs on a regular basis, pondering what are my next lusthaves or what new recipe I'd add to my bag of tricks next, building my arsenal for when I become Supermum one day.

Just an aside, my brother-in-law nudged Mr. HEA yesterday about children, pointing out that I was getting really clucky... Am I that obvious? Ah well, might have been that my crazy chasing after the cute little ones and attempt kidnaps of the one year olds at the party have been slightly misconstrued.

What I'd more rather do is pick up the next hot deal guilt free from spending their college funds, like how the #pricelinelovesrevlon hash tag drove me to buy three peach parfaits and one pink truffle on a whim.



I mean, the peach parfaits are practically gloss, and a girl's always gonna have to have gloss. Check out the swatch below:





The pink truffle on the other hand is my new found alternative to Chanel's Boy. Just as luxe in feel and colour, even more long lasting without a liner than the Chanel, I imagine it is a strong contender and have since sensibly put aside my Chanel pout for a Revlon one.






So here's the other part which works great when you're a DINK, when faced with a decision of buying another one of those lipsticks in order to get my claws on the Priceline Beauty Bag, the answer was Yes Please. Even if it meant a massive giveaway to my girlfriends over What'sapp that night:



and then another one including a cull of my own samples beauty bag the next day for some Friday the thirteenth fun at work:



Hmmmph, it's a good life at the moment, my attention in my private life only being shared between my gorgeous readers, followers and Mr. HEA. And being able to chase chuckling toddlers around and then handing them back overstimulated to their parents so that they can do the mundane stuff like putting them to bed and changing nappies.

And then jetting off to Melbourne the night of the Logies, for a day of coffee, chocolate, shopping and celebrity spotting... Hope I gather enough to post about next!