Wake me up when May 2021 ends

I feel like this day shouldn’t be happening but yet I know it is. Somehow it feels like you are still there and I will hear your voice and you bouncing back again a third time爸爸. But it is painful to see you hide your pain, I really listened to everything you said but perhaps I didn’t listen to the words you didn’t say. Your last words to me to tell me not to worry, I flooded you in my farewell with the same. But maybe I should have worried more, perhaps we should have been more proactive, but then we may not have had this opportunity to properly say farewell. 

Thank you so much for loving me and teaching me to be a noble person in life. Thank you for teaching me to have dreams and achieving those dreams. Thank you for loving my children and teaching me to enjoy life everyday. You are someone I always want to share my hopes, achievements and rants with. I enjoy eating and drinking with you, for you enjoy to the fullest. This sort of life is your celebration of all things that matter to you and you don’t sweat the unimportant issues.

I remember being in a pub with you and realising that you are willing to give all things in life a go. Try new things and deciding if you like it or not. But the love of life brought about with it challenges during lockdown. We couldn’t predict it. Contact tracing was poor and you hid your worst fears from us. I spoke with you everyday and yet I only picked up on the fatigue, not the virus that was busy ravaging your lungs before it took away your last breath. If I knew someone had been to blame for your sufferings, I would make them pay, but God asked me to forgive and I prayed The Lord’s Prayer for you, for myself and for us all to find amd make peace. You have peace and I believe Mum has found peace too. 

It was hard to say Goodbye today Daddy, so I won’t. I will let you live on forever in my heart, in my life, for every animal I hear or see, every plant I nurture into fruition, I will see your passion for nature and your love in them. For every drink I have from now on, I will drink the last drop for you in your honour and memory. In every laugh that comes after this, I shall fondly remember your rolling belly laughter. Your cheekiness, your generosity, your last gift to my children which I will stretch for years of Christmases to come.

Happy Father’s Day and Happy birthday Daddy for next month and the month after next. I thought I’d have a chance to say those words to you; but sadly no. Wake me up when May 2021 ends.

What a Reception!

It wasn’t many posts ago when I wrote about my firstborn’s first day at school. In reality it has now been a year and we have begun another school year. 2020 has been a crazy year just to put it mildly.

COVID-19 changed everything and halted most plans. Gratefully, we remain unscathed. If anything, some form of resilience kicked in and my husband rather enjoyed the lockdown way of life, sharing childcare duties with me, cooking barbecues midweek and getting to know our children better. My children won’t eat dinner without him these days and it has been nice for me to not parent alone in the evenings. 

We also have managed to begin enjoying outdoor activities together more. Going for a walk or a bike ride as a family has become a fun thing that this family can now do together. 

Not too long ago we were on a wonderful Roadtrip to the Black Forest and Lyon which ended on a very very high note. The children have enjoyed activities like bike riding, swimming, table tennis, hiking, seen all sorts of birds and animals on this trip, learnt about some history, and eaten decadent foods. My two year old even surprised me by liking olives at one of our alfresco lunches. They both also didn’t seem squeamish when we fed them frog’s legs in France.

Best of all, the one year goal I had set to change my daughters’ schooling education came true and this week, my firstborn changes school for Y1! I am so elated about it all that I have not stopped praying and cannot seem to sleep very well ever since finding out the news. 

Of course there is the anxiety of my little one having to leave her friends from the previous year. She has grown fond of her mates that she was in preschool with that also went into school with her this past year. She already didn’t like the  fact that they leave Reception, now she is changing schools! I trust that she will adjust quickly but still I feel sad that I didn’t consider her feelings very much when I burst out in joy upon reading the offer email in the car on the roadtrip. She seemed so confused and upset by the news which I didn’t convey to her in the best circumstances. I am still bad mum it would seem. Although she will still see her best mate after school in wraparound care, very cruelly for them, they are separated because of the bubbles of different schools. 

It isn’t new, the first year of school had been fraught with anxieties from me, albeit her steadfast progress which constantly amazed me. Undeterred by having to learn how to write cursive after just mastering her letters in preschool, and ditching Spanish lessons for French, she learnt voraciously through her passion for reading and trying new things. She took up tennis, chess, swimming, cycling and a little bit of table tennis and engaged in the learning. This past week, her teachers have observed how bright she is and moved her up a reading level. All very good points to affirm what I always knew in her. It did break my heart when on the first day, a little girl we already knew rolled her eyes when her mummy asked her to escort my LO into school. And again when upon pickup my firstborn says she played all by herself in school. I never expected her to be popular but had always been glad (perhaps took for granted) that she at least had her one true friend in the past year. 

Still, one week in, she seems settled, and happy to be learning again. I am again humbled by God’s plan for me, how He has chosen a far better path than I knew for myself. Given me a daughter who teaches me more than I knew I had to learn about humanity. She bears my outbursts when lockdown motherhood gets a bit tough, she stifles her silent tears and puts on a brave face when I have lost mine. She holds my hand in her little one fiercely, just to calm me down. It is all a bit Vanity Fair. She is Emmy and I am George, not the best Mother she deserves. 

My littlest one, the Becky Sharp who is wily and mean on the other hand gets all my fawning because she flashes her cute smiles and exerts herself in all aspects demanding my attention. Some days I realise I spend too much time playing to her whims and not asserting my authority to make her do the right thing. I have tried to flip this recently and be stricter. We possibly need to try harder with her academics too. She is slow to follow her sister’s footsteps in letters and numbers but her imagination is coming to live, ignited by following her sister in play. She kneads dough very deftly and intuitively to my surprise and loves helping me make food although she doesn’t eat very much of it. 

My life can be complete now. I can keep this story going on this wonderful trajectory. Or we could tempt fate and try one more time to tip the balance. Not a decision to be made today, but watch this space, the lockdown has made us yearn for social things, learn new skills and compromises, Miss our families back home. But it hasn’t broken our spirit or our faith in God and humanity. So, until the next time I have something meaningful to write about again, I bid adieu to this chapter and hope I never have to homeschool again.

Things my kids say

Miss almost two: “You’re not funny daddy!” 

L says about her older sister, “姐姐 stepped on poo poo” when it was only some moss. 

Me: “ Did you do a poo poo L?”

Miss#2: “Maybe”

Me: Who farted?

Miss#2: JieJie

And upon grasping the concept of Potty training proceeds to tell me each time she’s been successful, “I’m so proud of you Mummy!”

Miss#2 wants her sister’s cup of water despite having been given her own. 

Daddy: that’s the same water.

Miss#2: I want that Same water.

Miss#2 also tries to imitate her sister by announcing the time in the morning to get me out of bed to make breakfast. She looks at the clock and looks at me declaring, “its 7,8,9,10 o clock Mummy”

She was sandwiched between me and her sister one night in a hug and Miss #2 didn’t like it one bit. “I not Ham, I am Baby!” Then when we repeated after her mockingly, she jokes, “I not Baby, I am ham. Eat me eat me!”enticing us to blow raspberries on her belly.

On a regular basis, “Where Daddy gone? What ya doing? Why? No Dahling. Don’t do that Dahling, remember?”

Miss FourY.O: “The teachers let us watch a documentary on jellyfish on TV today. Because they were too lazy to teach us.”

Also her when I greet her in the mornings trying to sneak a cuddle before her all-consuming sister wakes up: “ Don’t face me mummy. Turn ard and face L so that when she wakes up she can see your face and not cry.”

The older one says to the little one, “L can you do me a favour and put these books back”. I cut in and reminded her to say the magic word when she wants something done. “Oh, Abracadabra”

Walking past a cafe, she announces that place has no restrooms. I wondered how’d she know, to which she replies, there’s a sticker on the door that says Just Eat. And then demands to know if I am laughing at her or with her.

The two are chalk and cheese. Whilst one will wear her Melissa wellies as a fashion statement and would never dream of dirtying them in a muddy puddle, the other would not think twice about running into the largest muddiest Puddle with her sparkly gold shoes. She’d scream in mock tantrum when disallowed, “Life’s not fair!”

The older one loves reading and is mostly self taught, able to read books even from August 2019 with no pictures as long as she’s been told the story and now having started school she writes diligently and enjoys writing sentences by herself.

The younger one has developed a love for books too and I am well pleased. Something about this makes me feel they will be set for life because they will always be able to get information and never be bored if they can read and enjoy it.

I keep having to remind myself not to be too greedy. Two is just right and I may miss these days when they are both cute but at the same time, I will miss the days now in just a moment passed by. I already see their wills and I try to discipline them without breaking their individuality although that is hard given we were brought up to not be heard as children. I cannot seem to get the balance right. 

Yet, I am proud of them and remind myself that they are doing just right and that I will always be here to tirelessly guide them onto the right path.

Two cute to be

NB: I drafted this ages ago but never got around to publishing the draft.

We made it! She’s two and I’ve been back at work a year now. 

I thought she’d be terrible but surprisingly with us standing our ground, she’s starting to understand she cannot get her way and the tantrums subside into a tearful, “I’m sorry mummy” instead.

She knows more than I gave her credit for. She understands the words we speak in both English and sometimes Mandarin. Whilst not as creative at expressing herself, between her sister and I, we understand her quite well. She picks up on sound a lot better than her sister does and she can carry a tune better. Ah yes, she sings. Lots of singing and she shushes next too sometimes. She knows most of the classics, Horsey, Horsey, ABC, Wheels on the bus, Twinkle star, Baa Baa Sheep, speckled frogs, zoom zoom zoom, 5 little monkeys, old MacDonald, once I caught a fish alive. She can sit with the book of Nursery Rhymes and turn each page and sing a song in relation to the picture on the page. 

She is keen for us to read to her now as she begins to be curious about stories and what pictures mean. Whilst she doesn’t know her colours well, she can certainly name things well and proudly acclaims, ‘I made this’ or ‘I did it’

She plays Simon says really well, and enjoys drawing, adores Peppa Pig as well as play dough. She’s starting to like stickers and definitely can count to ten (plus backwards too I’ve been told). 

She loves jumping, swimming (which we don’t take her to enough) and dances by wiggling her bottom. With us she truly blossoms, but in public she observes for a very long time, too cautious to join in independently. She loves helping me in the kitchen, eggwashing, shelling peas, filling up pots with rice or pasta, spending time with me by her side or her by my side is a big must in her every waking (and sleeping) moment.

Yes, we still cosleep. She cannot let me go yet. Perhaps we don’t spend enough of our day together anymore and so it’s down to the nighttime snuggles. I forget to see the world through her eyes so much as I did with my firstborn.

But last week we taught her the art of trick and treating. Whilst she refused to don a costume, she got the hang of walking up the driveway with the other children and choosing a candy of choice from the bucket. We are still working on her saying thank you to strangers, but she gave one of them a high five after she scored a chocolate coin from the treasure chest at the haunted pirate ship.

After all that fun and candy counting, we settled as a family of four to watch the BATTERSEA Park fireworks display for Bonfire night. It was glorious to introduce my children to a firework display when their daddy and I have enjoyed so many with each other in the past 18 years. This was our first as a family of four. I am pleased that they loved it every bit as we adults do. Am thinking of making this our tradition now. 

At her two year old birthday she did a poo in her potty, and was frankly quite surprised it happened. She tries to copy her big sister but also gives as good as she gets. I am thankful that they play well together.

Dahling, I love you and I miss you the moment you aren’t in my arms. Something about you being my youngest and last makes me just want to keep you tiny for just a bit longer. Hope you don’t mind being my baby. 

Love your #selfie

Somewhere in the universe, someone is watching out for us mums. No one in our immediate circle, no those little ones and the man will take us for granted day in day out. But a couple of weeks ago I was tapped on the shoulder by another female leader at work asking why I wasn’t looking for more in my job, whether I was being fulfilled and why wasn’t I managing more people and joining her in her leadership team. She looked into my eyes and saw my potential. Very gently, she explained that I do not have to give up my work life balance, that I can still stretch further and be a great mum still because the hours will remain the same. She says I overextend myself already anyways but in a thankless role in the firm, so why not overextend in a more rewarding position. It’s one of those offers I cannot refuse. She’d planned it through for me, slowly increasing my responsibilities so that I am not overwhelmed and then promotion track mapped out too (something I haven’t quite managed to do by myself successfully).

I think I choked back tears. The man was supportive, if he worried about my wellbeing, he didn’t show it. Realistically, he won’t be changing his habits or taking on more work at home so I’d have to maintain status quo. It’s not fair that it’s not equal, but for my kids’ wellbeing, I’d have to put up with that for how it will be. Also that third child that he keeps threatening me with cannot materialise. 

It’s time for me to focus on me. The kids are growing up, it’s time to get them to be more independent. It’s time for me to not feel guilty for taking time for me. It’s time to wear more jewellery and makeup and not make excuses for not being presentable anymore. It is time to be seen. Once more.