Mother's Day

I was drawn to this crop of a shot where my new husband was weaving us through the tables at our reception, making our way to our Central Park table. I was stunned by how similar the expression on my mother's face in the background mirrored mine and remembered how she had shared with me that her happiest moment at her own wedding day was when my Dad also weaved her through their tables, stopping at each one to proudly introduce his new wife, all the while hanging tightly on to her hand, as if that if he did let go, all this might just not be real.

This was possibly the latest moment I had a nice picture taken with my mum. Being apart sucks. Being married and having your own family keep telling you that your in-laws are like family now and that I should treat them like I respect mine, makes it really interesting. Whilst I don't disobey my family, this instruction makes it hard to rock both worlds at the same time because they are all so different and each person want something from me that is different.

Just this Mother's Day has been testament to that. I rushed around the Farmer's markets yesterday, trying to find the finest fromage, the gorgeous flowers, basil and heirloom tomatoes to make a salad for my Mother-in-law, who bless her soul had offered to cook her own Mother's Day dinner despite our numerous pleas for her to sit back and enjoy herself. Apparently being a Mother and fussing over us would be her greatest present already.

At least she seemed to enjoy the home-made Spanish salami and garlic prawn pizza and the apple pie with Pavlova Passion ice cream dessert that we contributed to the meal last night. But I know my own mother would have been a lot more excited to be eating gourmet tomatoes and being fussed over. Or perhaps that was ten years ago, cause when I called home to wish her well last night and to promise that I owe her a grand Mother's day meal when I am back in two weeks, she plainly declines and demands instead that all she wants is a grandchild. *Gulp*

Thing is, we are just not ready yet and guiltily, I am spending Mother's Day resenting my own because she isn't here to see how hard it is for the two of us to get to know each other again now that we are living together. How financially stressful it is that we are carrying three mortgages on our shoulders and how little work there is for my husband that keeps him engaged in his role and how often it is he thinks of just leaving all of this behind. I told her all this the last time we spoke and she has decided that the best solution is to have a child anyways. That if it doesn't ground him and he still leaves us behind, at least I will have a child. One that she'll get to fly over here to take care of. I know that will never happen because talk is cheap and its easy to cajole someone else into making a life-long commitment than to really put yourself into their shoes and weigh out the benefits that do not seem to outweigh the cons.

So, I have nothing else to say but to just tell her no, that my in-laws tell us not to pressure ourselves with children if we aren't ready and I have to obey their wishes too. And just like that, her Mother's day has been turned around into the worst one ever and I am left trying to figure out how did I handle that one so wrong and how to deal with this emotional guilt I have in me now.

I just want to go back to six months ago when she and I were just happy at the same time, having achieved the same goal and was appeased. When I wasn't failing her and certainly before we both knew what lied ahead of us.